July 28, 2015

Why I'll Never Get The Life I Wanted

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell
I never liked money. It was always an inconvenience, a roadblock that had to be maneuvered around to get to where I actually wanted to go. For a long time, I had a nice life for myself planned out. I'd take a few consulting jobs and travel the world, staying with friends and squeezing by on a slim budget. In my spare time, I could develop open-source software and give it away for free. I could focus on making the world a better place, instead of making a ton of money that served no purpose.

I'd never need to be well known. I could simply live the life of a nomad, earning just enough for food and maybe the occasional roof, when I wasn't crashing at a friend's place. I never wanted anything else. I wanted freedom. I wanted to explore. I wanted to find beautiful places in nature, and to build cool things with code. Take some pictures, write some music. Maybe learn to draw. A carefree life where I didn't worry about climbing some ridiculous corporate ladder, or proving myself. A life where I could exist outside of the toxic society that I was born into.

There is a bitter irony in my current situation. After a year-long stint at a large software corporation that paid me absurd amounts of money, I now have plenty of savings to pursue the life I had always wanted...

But I can't. Or perhaps, I won't. There's nothing actually stopping me. In fact, later this year, I intend to go on a nice vacation across the west coast, while I still can. So I can at least experience what my life might have been for a brief moment, before I am dragged back into hell. A hell where my friends can't afford to let me stay at their houses for extended periods of time, because most of them live in poverty. A hell where income inequality lets me do whatever I please by taking everything from those less fortunate than me. A world so full of shit I can't simply ignore it.

There can be no carefree lifestyle, because it is nothing more than an illusion. I refuse to live a life that no one else can simply because they weren't born into a rich, stable middle-class family in a wealthy city. When I was young, I thought I was choosing this life for myself. I thought I was choosing to eschew consumerism and materialistic rewards for a more fulfilling life because I was making a wise choice. Instead, my ability to ignore our toxic society was simply because I was born in the right place. Other people don't try to climb corporate ladders because they like to, they do it because they have to.

I'm lucky. I don't. I can do whatever I want. Not because I'm smarter, or better, or wiser, but simply because I was given the opportunity. I've met a lot of people now who want what I want. They want to make the same choices I would. Their hearts are in the right places, but they're all living in poverty. One has a crippling auto-immune disorder. One lives with abusive parents. Half of them are gay. They all wanted to make the right choices, but they couldn't, because they weren't lucky. Because they got the short straw. Because life decided to fuck them over.

This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to make the world a better place. I thought I could do that by avoiding Wall Street and it's disgusting corporate corruption and greed. I thought anyone could live a quiet, frugal life if they just avoided consumerism and greed. I thought there would be other intelligent rich people who would strive to make the world a better place. I thought good things happened to good people.

I was an idiot. The only way a rich person is going to actually make the world a better place is if I do. The only way my friends will ever get a job that isn't horrible is if I build a billion dollar company and hire them myself. The only way to make the future a place I'd want to live in is if I drag the world into it kicking and screaming. The only way we'll get programs that aren't giant towers of duct tape and prayers is if I force people to actually use good engineering practices.

I grew up believing the world was a magical place where people got jobs and lived the lives they wanted. I understand now that, if I truly believe in that world, I have to make it happen myself. It's not the life I had planned, but life is like an improvisation. If you try to play the song you intended, you'll miss out on all the opportunities created by your mistakes. If I must throw myself into building a business, then so be it.

It's not like I can do anything else; I'd never forgive myself if I simply rode off into the horizon, ignoring the plights of all the human beings I cared about.


  1. So many ironies and parallels in our experiences. Good to see you coming to terms with the reality of the world and can't wait to see what you do with it.

    First one to building an empire wins. :D

  2. It seems like not only your songs are prefect for me,but the person who you are .I'm so glad that I finally find someone like me. Our faith and our minds are really really similar.
    Yes,the world may be unfair,and I can hardly change it by myself, but I know it's never the reason why I shouldn't change and accept the so-called "reality". I wanna help people simply because I choose to.
    I truely wish I can know you more.